| No, I am not actively looking for a job. Yes, I will entertain your proposal if, after reading this, you still think I'm a good fit for your company (I owe you that much). Yes, everything herein is completely factual and 100% accurate (possibly more accurate than the rest of the resumes you've harvested today). No, I am not serious about this resume. There is a more professional one floating around out there ... probably already on your desk. This resume was specifically created as a canned response for repeated requests for a Word document version of my resume from a recruiter who was too lazy to click the link on my site that says "Click Here To Download a Word Docuemnt Version of This Resume." As well as for another recruiter who does not understand the IT field and continually asks me to submit for completely unrelated jobs that just happen to use some of the same acronyms. As well as for the recruiter who makes every job sound exactly like what I'm looking for, but when I get on site to interview, the job they describe is exactly what I specifically told him I was not looking for. As well as for the recruiter who keeps secretly submitting me for jobs with a copy of my resume he has completely altered and tailor-suited to make his client think he's found the perfect candidate, despite the fact that I'm neither qualified nor interested in the position. |
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| :: OBJECTIVE |
- To maintain my elite status as a former code-monkey who managed to crawl out of the cubicle and into a cushy middle-manager position with a real office and door.
- To find a job that is not "fast-paced and challenging," but reasonably stress-free and well within my comfort zone as a seasoned IT veteran -- which admittedly is more fast-paced and challenging than the average person's job.
- To find a company that understands "bleeding edge technology" does not mean "works better," but instead means "vendor-dictated product obsolescence of something that probably still works really well." It is rarely a good thing.
- To convince my congressman to repeal Sarbanes-Oxley (aka: the "Public Accountant and Auditor Protection Act of 2002") so that I never have to hear a CFO again say, "I don't see the problem. All of our accounting software runs on computers, so it's I.T.'s problem."
- To find a company that appreciates my passive-aggressive rebellious nature, quirky sense of humor, and snappy dress sense. Frankly, a likable boss goes a lot further with me than anything else you have to offer.
- To find a recruiter that actually reads my resume, asks me what I want in a position, and actually listens to what I say (or failing that, to overthrow all recruiting companies). That is to say, yes, I used to be a .Net developer, but thanks to more than a few bad experiences with recruiters, consulting, and contracting firms, I am extremely burned out on that lifestyle. For your edification, I have also officially been an IT Director, business analyst, project manager, senior consultant, network administrator, EDI Analyst, desktop support specialist, mainframe operator, accounts receivable clerk, waiter, and chicken wing delivery driver. In addition, during my 15 years in the workforce, I have also performed the duties of senior architect, technical writer, account manager, technical sales presenter, technical trainer, marketing communications consultant, and bartender. Any and all of these positions, with the possible exception of "EDI Analyst," are preferable to ".Net Developer."
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| :: WORK HISTORY (Actual company names available upon request) |
Integrated Marketing Communications Company -- Indianapolis
August 2006 to Present
Business Analyst / Project Manager
- Work, primarily with our network administrator, towards getting the company certified Level 1 PCI Compliant. As I was more eloquent writer of the two of us (and closer to the CIO's office), I managed to usurp the position of "Chief Security Officer" for the company as part of this project.
- Work directly with sales team and prospective clients during discovery phase of projects. Prepared needs analysis, business cases, ROI models, and formal proposals -- most of which died in the boardroom due to sticker shock, though the few high-profile ones that could afford us said they liked how I present things.
- Design and architect new software projects using UML and rational unified design processes. That is to say, I write these big 100-200 page specifications that the programming team categorically ignores.
- Project manage an unmanageable in-house programming team of mediocre programmers with raging egos. Basically, I put out a project plan and timeframe, remind people of deadlines, then try to fill the cracks to make sure stuff gets done on time and under budget. Hence, I have earned the moniker "I.T. Spackle."
- Act as technical point of contact for the customer during implementation and post-implementation of new software projects. This was not really my plan; however, the account manager repeatedly gives out my private cell phone number to clients despite my constant complaints.
- All this while dodging and defusing the efforts certain paranoid, backstabbing, sabotaging co-workers who will say and do anything (ethical or otherwise) to make the people around around them look bad -- simply because they are incapable of making themselves look good.
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My Own Company -- Columbus / Indianapolis
June 2004 to August 2006
Co-Owner / Director of Technology
- Wore about fifteen different hats and spin about twenty different plates at once until I either pass out from exhaustion or blow up at someone out of extreme stress
- Sold a modified, customizable version of the business management suite I wrote for "Remote Systems Administration Specialists" (see below). Constantly came up with new features and uses for the product.
- Came up with creative new ideas for programs and web sites -- much like throwing spaghetti noodles at the wall. Built design documents and prototypes of the ones that stuck, managed the programming team in developing them into robust applications, and helped my partner market and sell them to prospective clients. Examples included:
- A School District Data Warehouse (C#.Net, ASP.Net, SQL Server 2000)
- A Law Enforcement Case Management System (Visual Basic 6.0, SQL Server 2000)
- An invoicing system for small coin and stamp supply shop (MS Access 2000, Visual Basic 6.0, QuickSell 2000)
- Two local job/resume databanks supporting 150 users on average (ASP 3.0/.Net, Visual Basic COM/.Net, SQL Server 2000)
- A community portal and on-line collaboration and communications tool for Chambers of Commerce (ASP 3.0, Visual Basic COM, SQL Server 2000)
- A sales quote management system (VB.Net, ASP.Net, SQL Server 2005)
- Worked directly with clients to figure out what they need versus what they want. Invent new and innovative pricing plans. Convince clients that they're doing the right thing by listening to me.
- Managed a competent but inexperienced programming team that peaked at five full-time employees, plus on-site and off-shore subcontractors that we brought in on an as-needed basis
- Was the face of the company as far as the technology side of things went
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Small Consulting Shop -- Carmel, IN
May 2001 to May 2004
Consultant - Supported somewhere around 25-30 different clients doing everything from
web development, process analysis, custom application development, and network administration -- that is to say, was regularly thrown off a rooftop and expected to learn to fly on my way down. For the most part, it was an enjoyable job, and since I'm not a puddle of goo on the sidewalk today, I think I was pretty darned good at it, even though an alarming percentage just consisted of driving 10 or 15 miles, paying extortionist parking fees, and turning a computer off and back on.
- Had my hands in all sorts of technologies including -- PHP, JSP, Visual J++, ASP 3.0/.Net, Visual Basic 6.0/.Net, Windows 2000, Red Hat Linux, MS Exchange 2000, MySQL, SQL Server 2000. Most of which I learned on the fly out of a book or through my extensive peer network of experts. The common phrase I used with clients was, "Don't worry, I'm wired in. If I don't know how to do it, I know someone who will show me."
- Served as one-stop shop for pre-sale and post-sale questions and issues.
- Notable projects included:
- Designed and built time tracking and priority management software for national service organization (ASP 3.0, Visual Basic COM, MS Access). Great client, super nice guy, expert at creating scope creep and haggling for creative pricing.
- Designed and built high-traffic open house web site for large realty organization (ASP 3.0, Visual Basic COM, SQL Server). Another great client, very organized and methodical.
- Designed and built intranet site for major hospital trauma center including physician scheduling utility, meeting minute organizer, knowledge base, and a variety of communications tools (ASP.Net 3.0, Visual Basic.Net, Dreamweaver, Ultradev, SQL Server 2000). Slow-moving juggernaut of a client compounded by a rather incompetent middle-tier organization who subcontracted us when they couldn't project manage their way out of a paper sack.
- Designed and built quote management system for nation-wide restaurant equipment manufacturer (ASP 3.0, Visual Basic COM, SQL Server). Fun client. No matter what you gave them, they loved it.
- Provide customizations and add-ons for IAS Visual Advance and Accountmate financial packages (Visual FoxPro 6.0, Visual Basic 6.0/.Net). Essentially, once a week I drove 40 miles out to the middle of a cornfield to re-index a Foxpro database because the client was deathly afraid of technology.
- Designed two sports registration packages for local youth sports organizations (ASP 3.0, Visual Basic 6.0, MS Access). Both very political work environments with constantly shifting priorities and specifications. This technically should have been only one package that we sold twice, but it got so convoluted with specific customizations for each of them that we decided it was cheaper to just start over the second time.
- Designed accounts receivable system for local healthcare organization (Visual Basic 6.0, MS Access). I'll leave it up to your imagination as to why, when they had a perfectly good, very expensive, accounting system, they needed a "special program" written to report and track receivables as well as calculate commissions for their sales team. Surprisingly, I hear they're still in business and using the program.
| Remote Systems Administration Specialists --
Carmel, IN
May 1999 to May 2001
Systems/Network Analyst
- Acted as a one-man IT department, doing just about everything imaginable, including:
- Designed, built, and administered the entire corporate network from a couple servers in boxes in the corner. (Windows NT/ 2000, Corel Linux 1.5, Cisco 2600 Router, GShield Firewall, MS Exchange 5.5)
- Designed and developed in-house CRM, financial, sales forecasting, collaboration, and business management systems (ASP 2.0/3.0, Visual Basic 6.0, SQL Server 6.0/7.0). Essentially I walked around, and if I saw someone doing something on paper, I wrote a program to do it for them.
- Designed and build corporate web site (ASP 3.0, Flash, MS Access 2000). It was 1999. They didn't know what they were going to do with a web site, they just knew they needed one.
- Implemented and administered Unicenter AHD help desk system for call-center and integration with aforementioned in-house business management software (Unicenter AHD 4.0/5.0, Perl-TK, SQL Server 7.0). It was real purdy, and if we actually had customers that called in, it might have gotten used a little more.
- And, most painfully, oversaw shutdown of I.T. operations when company went out of business during the Dot-Com crunch of 2001. Yep, I cried. A weaker man would have just gone of and contracted a drinking problem.
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Managed Care and Physician Organization -- Indianapolis, IN
February 1998 to April 1999
Systems/Network Analyst
- Was one-half of a smooth-running two-man IT department, doing just about everything imaginable, including:
- Desktop support for 75 users, mostly doctors, nurses, claims processors, and account managers -- you know, really smart people who didn't want to be bothered learning how to use computers.
- Administration of three-site NT WAN and additional frame-relay connections to a hospital's Unix mainframe (Windows NT 4.0, MS Exchange 5.0, HP9000 Unix, Cisco 2600 Router, Motorolla
FRAD, Raptor Firewall, Psionic Portsentry) Largely this meant I drove all over the state whenever the janitor unplugged the CSU/DSU so they could run the vacuum.
- Was key member of team that installed and integrated a brutally complex EDI system for the existing data warehouse (Sybase SQL Anywhere, Foxpro 2.6, Sterling Commerce Gentran, HBOC CRMS, MS Access).
- Developed ad-hoc reporting and analysis tools as needed (VB 6.0, MS Access, and some absolutely insane Excel pivot-tables). I didn't know what any of the numbers meant, but if somebody gave me a formula or process, and an approximation of what the result should look like, by golly I could code the crap out of it.
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Hospital -- Indianapolis, IN
February 1996 to January 1998
Desktop Support (initially), then promoted to LAN Administrator
- Responsible for server and desktop support for four servers and 125 users, over half of which were using what even at the time were antiquated 286-class machines with no hard drives acting as dumb terminals auto-connecting to a Unix mainframe
(Novell 3.11/4.0, Groupwise)
- Developed and maintained fee schedule database (DBMan) even though it was months before I found out what all the little numbers actually meant.
- Administered departmental data warehouse (Foxpro 2.6, HP9000 Unix), which meant every third week I had to go in and baby-sit an overloaded FoxPro Database while it imported a couple million lines of medical claim detail.
- Coordinated vendors in implementation of call tracking and help desk software -- my first lesson in big, corporate bureaucracy.
- Coordinated contractors and vendors in installation of new wiring closet -- my first lesson in self cross-training to affect indespensability .
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Educational Software Startup Company
-- Indianapolis, IN
September 1992 to January 1996
Official Title was Software
Development Manager, but that was just to make the company look bigger. In reality there were only two of us writing code, and I'd been there longer.
- Developed to specifications the first three
versions of a remote multimedia training and presentation software (Borland
Turbo C, Microsoft Visual C++ 1.0, custom hardware devices). Frankly the product was really slick. Essentially I had invented HTML before there was an HTML. Sadly, Tim Berners-Lee pretty much put us out of business.
- Designed,
developed, documented, and maintained over 20 retail software packages
(Microsoft Visual C++ 1.0) Stuff like basic spreadsheets, word processors, photo albums, media players/recorders. You know, really original concepts.
- Was the go-to guy for all technical questions and phone calls
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Aircraft Engine Design and Repair Company -- Terre Haute, IN
June
1991 to November 1991
Computer/Mainframe Operator
- Sat around and read books or studied for class until the mainframes told me it was time to change the backup tapes.
- Occasionally got to write a cool little script in DCL (for the DEC VAX) or TCL (for the Unix Mainframe)
- Occasionally got a call to go look at or fix something, but since it was third shift and only a skeleton crew, that was pretty rare
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| :: COMPLETELY WORTHLESS, OUTDATED EDUCATION, TRAINING, AND CERTIFICATIONS |
1987-1992 -- INDIANA UNIVERSITY - BLOOMINGTON, IN
- Bachelor's Degree in Computer Science: Mostly worthless. In those days, PC's were considered toys and not worth study in an academic environment. So, it was really a lot of math, data structure, and mainframe hardware stuff.
- Two additional years as Business/Finance Major: Like everybody else, I washed out thanks to Business Law (hated that class).
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1999 -- MIDWEST BARTENDER'S SCHOOL - INDIANAPOLIS, IN
- Certified Mixologist: Part of a planned strategic life-change that never came about.
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| Present | Currently studying for my Security+ and Project+ certifications in my spare time. |
| November, 2001 | Visual Studio.Net Developer Days Microsoft. Pretty much the point where I stopped drinking the Kool-Aid. |
| March, 2000 | Whole bunch of really boring Unicenter AHD and TNG classes. Computer Associates. |
| November, 1999 | Windows 2000 Loadfest. Microsoft. Amusing to see that they couldn't get it to work out of the box either. |
| October, 1998 | Whole bunch of General EDI and Gentran Training classes. The stuff isn't brain surgery, basically I was an excuse to travel and drink on the company's dime. |
| July, 1998 | Whole bunch of Windows MCSE classes: So what if I never took the tests? Look, I've been at this for 15 years on no less than 45 different corporate network setups. If I didn't know what I was doing, somebody would have noticed by now. If you want paper certificates, I can introduce you to a bunch of high school kids with MCSEs that have never touched a server. |
| January, 1997 | Novell 520 -- Netware 4.11 Administration: (The way servers ought to be!). LanTech of America, Inc. |
June, 1996
| Installing, Supporting, and Networking Windows 95. Alexander Hamilton Institute, Inc. -- I still have this one framed on my wall in my office.
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| :: AWARDS AND COMMENDATIONS |
Dedication is so rarely rewarded. I mean, sure I was honor society and all and graduated in the top 5% of my class (in high school, don't ask about college). However, did anybody give me a certificate (or even notice) that I showed up to school every single day for three years? No. Has anybody ever given me accolades for only calling in sick once (count 'em: 1 lousy time) in 15 years of professional life? And to be fair, that was back in 1992, I was throwing up, and it was just a temp job stuffing envelopes anyway. Does anybody thank me for being a reliable employee who doesn't use a dime of healthcare, always shows up on time, and aside from scheduled vacations, maybe asks for an unscheduled day off only once or twice a year? No! You probably only want to know if I was "IT Guru of the Year" or something. Well, sorry, I'm the reliable, competent type; not one of the flaky-but-brilliant ones.
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| :: SALARY REQUIREMENTS |
My minimum price to get out of bed every morning and go cheerily to a job is $85K/year (though, secretly, if I like you as a boss, I'll come down to 78). This salary represents a substantial pay cut over what I made during the boom days of the tech industry, and I still have a mortgage from a large house I bought back then, so these numbers are non-negotiable, sorry. I do expect passable healthcare, 4 weeks vacation, and a matching 401K to at least 10%. You can keep your bonuses, commissions, comp-time, and profit-sharing smoke and mirrors, I've been around the block enough times to know how that scam works. Oh, and I always dress business casual on your dime (I'll even happily wear a tie if you ask), so keep your "laid-back environment" and/or your trendy "Hawaiian Shirt Fridays." I'm an old-school professional and not impressed by that kind of thing.
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| :: COMMUTING AND RELOCATING |
If your company is not located in the metropolitan area of Indianapolis, Chicago, Seattle, Boston, Portland, Minneapolis, St. Louis, Toronto, San Antonio, Austin, or London, England, then I am not interested in commuting or relocating. I'd consider Nova Scotia, but I've never actually been there so I'll need to check it out first.
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